CS 29.6: For a Deaf Son

Posted by – 10 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 29.6
10 March 2010

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FOR A DEAF SON
Adrean Clark
[Video Essay]

For those who are Braille readers, a text translation is provided below.

Hi, I’m Adrean Clark. We’ll be discussing the documentary “For a Deaf Son.” It’s about Thomas Tranchin. When he was born, his parents found out that he was deaf. His father, a filmmaker, decided to explore in-depth deaf education in a documentary. He visited different schools, from Clarke School to Gallaudet University, and interviewed people about different methods. Thomas’s mother appeared to believe strongly that Thomas should speak to succeed. The family chose audio-verbal therapy, although they did teach him signs. The movie stops there.

After some years rumors came that that Thomas passed away. What exactly happened, we don’t know. Some pieces of the puzzle came up–but the most important one was that Thomas seemed to be in conflict with his identity, unsure of his hearing aid and his signs. In the documentary, his mother was strongly in favor of speaking. If we look at the documentary alone, we see that they chose speaking over signing (while not exclusively)–then it stops there.

The whole situation is important. It is a common pattern for hearing people to say they’ve studied deaf people and then say they know what’s best for deaf people. Each new generation of hearing parents tends to start from scratch, do their research, then choose what’s most like them, never mind the feedback from grown deaf adults. They choose what the doctors say, what most closely resembles their own experience.

Why is there a pattern of unbelief? Is it because documentaries are so incomplete?

We need to stop this tendency to “reinvent the wheel.” I encourage people to finish their stories, to be willing to allow us to see the whole. Maybe it’ll change our future for the better.

(For more information about Thomas Tranchin, visit http://su.pr/218q9B )

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Adrean Clark is a Deaf cartoonist currently working on her first comic book, 8 Ways to be Deaf. New pages are posted Monday-Fridays at http://www.adreanaline.com/blog

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

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CS 29.5: The Celebration of Mediocrity

Posted by – 10 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 29.5
10 March 2010

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THE CELEBRATION OF MEDIOCRITY
Faith Powell
Words: 459
[Essay]

I.

In any field or profession, there will always be those who excel beyond the expected, out-perform the crowd. Not everyone has to be a superstar; it is also okay to be qualified, skilled, able, competent, and clear.

What is seen in the intpreting world right now, though, is an abundance of “good enough.” There’s so much of it around that I believe more people have forgotten what minimum competence looks like. When a good interpreter comes to an assignment and actually signs something approximating ASL, she is seen as “crackerjack.” Mediocre then looks pretty good.

And the field celebrates those who are barely qualified. They scream, “We are NATIONALLY CERTIFIED!” Nationally certified, as in approved by an organization as having the basic skills necessary to work professionally, not that you are GOOD, COMPETENT, or ABLE in any one situation.

I’m tired of us celebrating mediocrity. People should feel a certain professional pressure to rise up. Instead, by being given prime assignments and not having to get consumer feedback and not being monitored by interpreter provider agencies and being assigned to assignments by people unqualified to judge, we continue the lowering of the bar.

Interpreters, HEAL THYSELVES. Get a grip on your skill level and stop feeling entitled to take assignments just because you are offered them.

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II.

Spoken language translators would so much rather work from their second language to their first. It makes perfect sense. Sign language interpreters rarely want to work from sign to voice. That also makes perfect sense, in a non-sensical way.

From my perspective, when you stand in front of an audience of one and you are signing away, who knows if you are making full sentence or even delivering the message. Perhaps the deaf consumer does, but how often does a deaf consumer actually go up to an interpreter and say, “Hmmm, I understood about half of what you signed.” But if you are voicing, it’s hard to cover up those awkward silent moments or those sentences that just trail off.

To be an interpreter, you should be a fairly balanced bilingual. At any rate, you shouldn’t feel like you can go out there and sign your heart out knowing that if the deaf person really wanted to express himself you’d be flummoxed. Also, don’t show up at assignments, look at me and breathe a sigh of relief–”Oh, great you are here, YOU can voice!” I’m pretty sure we are getting the same hourly rate. As far as I am concerned, you are only as good as your weakest skill.

I’m not putting down those interpreters who are still striving for greatness. It’s okay to have more to learn. It’s just not okay to believe you’ve “arrived” before you actually have.

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Faith Powell is an ASL interpreter from Georgia who holds a master’s degree in interpretation from Gallaudet University.

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

We are always open to submissions. Submit your writing, artwork, or video to editor@clercscar.com.

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CS 29.4: Downside Up

Posted by – 9 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 29.4
9 March 2010

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DOWNSIDE UP
Matt Daigle
[Editorial Cartoon]

downside up comic art

For those who are Braille readers, a text translation is provided below.

The house from the Disney/Pixar movie UP floats in the sky, suspended by a crowd of balloons. A flock of angry birds chase after it, popping balloons. One bird has the label, “Closed Captioning readers.” The balloons are nervous, one resembling Mickey Mouse (labelled Disney), murmuring to the other (labelled Pixar), “Uh-oh, we’re going down!”

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Matt Daigle is a Deaf artist and graphic designer whose work has been widely published and recognized. He lives in California with his wife of thirteen years and their son. Matt has a serious passion for cartooning and coffee. His website is http://www.mdaigletoons.com

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

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CS 29.3: Not Sexy

Posted by – 9 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 29.3
9 March 2010

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NOT SEXY
Mary J. Thornley
Words: 501
[Essay]

You know, the problem with deafness is that it’s not sexy. I began to think how I could bring allure into my essays.

Say I want to get across a point like how deaf people feel alone in a crowd of hearing people. How can I do that and make it sexy?

So here’s the plan. I use Carrie Bradshaw from SEX AND THE CITY. She’s loaded with allure–got it in spades. She loves Manolo Blahniks. She’s got sexy friends and she writes about sex. Perfect.

Know the series where she’s dating the artist, and he whisks her away from her beloved NYC to gay Paree?

OK, it’s getting better.

Paris is sexy. Carrie’s gone out on a limb for love. We know this because in a few days she’s climbing the walls because she can’t really talk to anyone, not being fluent in French. And her lover is doing a fade. But that’s immaterial right now.

She gets dolled up to meet a group of his friends and relatives. And she’s there, and ready, and willing, and dressed to kill. And they all arrive, begin thronging around–

And we can’t hear it–those of us watching the show–but the camera’s rolling and–

We see her face fall.

She looks up in greeting when they begin to appear, eager, bright-eyed. She holds out her hand in greeting. We don’t see the people who’ve come; we see a few backs and a bit of arms and legs around the edges of the shot as the camera closes in on Carrie.

She’s gotten quiet. She’s shrinking.

Yes! Carrie Bradshaw!

The air around Carrie is full of–speaking–

And she-she-she–well, she hasn’t a clue. You know what I mean?

I’ve wondered, often, how a sexy person would handle this situation. What does one do? Fall back on physical charms? Decide you’re content to be decorative? Resort to farcical comedy? I’ve known people who pursued that last option.

I don’t know how she gets out of this evening. I wish she’d get up and flounce out. But I suspect she doesn’t. She sees it out. She forces herself to smile. The bon mots are raining around her, and everyone’s making all these mouth noises–and she tries to be polite. Regal. Above it all.

Once in a while her lover acts as an interpreter–when he thinks of it–after he’s had his laugh at the latest sally–after he’s taken a swig of his wine–after he’s swallowed a bite from his plate.

But the film doesn’t show what they do. How they get through the evening. If he even knows they’re getting through something. Maybe not until he gets home and they rehash the evening. If they rehash it.

Well, is this sexy?

Carrie goes back to her brownstone in NYC. Back to English. Back to clarity, to communication, to camaraderie, to . . .

To the same things we want.

Well, is this working? Or not?

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Mary J. Thornley is a Deaf writer and a graduate student at Georgetown University.

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

We are always open to submissions. Submit your writing, artwork, or video to editor@clercscar.com.

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CS 29.2: Pity

Posted by – 8 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 29.2
8 March 2010

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PITY
Melinda Larsen-Orr
Words: 296
[Vignette]

Yesterday my daughter met a new neighbor girl. She is really sweet and wants to play. Her brother, she tells me, is my son’s age. He gets bullied at his new school. I feel sorry for him. I hate when kids get bullied.

He comes over after a while and wants to meet my son. Haddy is busy working on some editing and tells me maybe later. I go outside and start to teach this boy some signs. I hand him a “100 Signs for Parents” booklet. He picks it up on his own so fast. This boy is awkward and a bit, well, slow for all intents and purposes, but he is really good at reading ASL gloss.

He starts to show me many signs he is learning. I tell him how sharp he is and I see his confidence grow. Soon I feel so warmly for this awkward kid I go tell Haddy he should really come out and try and be friendly.

“Mom, serious? I am right in the middle of this . . .” He shows me his new project.

“Please, this poor kid has no friends and is out there trying to learn to sign. I feel sorry for him–he is not really bright and I think we should be nice.”

“Hold on. I need to do a few things. I will be out soon.”

I walk outside and this kid shows me more signs he mastered. “I like birds and food.”

I tell him maybe he could learn signs for things he really likes. He names some video games and cars. I show him the signs. He tells me he really likes birds and food. Then he says:

“I really feel sorry for your son because he can’t hear.”

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Melinda Larsen-Orr is a profoundly hearing mother of a profoundly deaf son and two profoundly hearing children. She is a fiber artist and dual-language elementary school teacher based in Vancouver, Washington.

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

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CS 29.1: Chasing Vistas 27

Posted by – 8 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 29.1
8 March 2010

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CHASING VISTAS 27
Melanie Bond
Words: 1,627
[Memoir]

Chapter 84
Buffalo Bill Historical Center and Museum

It was late Tuesday afternoon on August 29 when we left Medicine Lodge Canyon and drove to Cody, Wyoming, where the Buffalo Bill Historical Center and Museum was located. There were few gas stations between Medicine Lodge Canyon and Cody, Wyoming, but when we needed restroom breaks, we always managed to find one. And now, here we were at the Buffalo Bill complex about an hour and a half just before closing time. We debated whether it was worth going inside and paying admission fees for a quick and fast tour. But one look at the grand entrance, an architectural wonder of glass, steel, and light, convinced us to come inside and have a look around. We were surprised to learn that there not just one museum but FOUR separate museums housed within the same complex. This was big-time entertainment!

In the lobby, only Harvey could see what was on the other side of the lobby as we paid for our tickets. He was captivated by the buffalo exhibit and pulled us toward it. There were two large life-sized brown buffalo grazing peacefully while a white frisky calf played on a circular grassy plains platform. He thought it was beautiful.

From here, we entered the first museum, the Buffalo Bill Historical Museum, which featured the life and times of Bill Cody and his Wild West shows. There were many old-fashioned shops and large exhibits, including a second display of two large life-sized bison with light brown backs and long thick shaggy clumps of furry hair draping their bodies. They were awesome!

When Dano spotted a bright tall red wagon with black trim and white-spoked wheels with black rims, he fell in love with it. No doubt Bill Cody had used them in his Wild West shows. The wagon looked more like a fancy but more opened stagecoach. Attached to it was a team of four magnificent life-sized horses. Dano was awed by the sheer size of these horses as his tiny frame stood there gaping up at them. Nearby, Dano saw a kiddie bucking bronco ride and wanted to get on it. Pretending to be a rodeo cowboy, he climbed up into the saddle, firmly gripped the saddle horn with one hand and waved his other hand wildly while enjoying the gentle bucking ride. Harvey examined an old supply wagon stocked full with provisions for a long journey. Who knew, maybe the wagon would accompany a long cattle drive or a gold-prospecting journey. It was fun imagining how life was back then.

Knowing that the museum complex would be closing soon, we rushed out of the Buffalo Bill Museum without seeing everything and hurried over to the Whitney Gallery of Western Art. After a quick glance at some of the awesome paintings and sculptures, I knew we had stumbled onto something very special here. This art gallery needed to be “felt” and savored visually and emotionally. We could not do this museum justice by rushing through it. At first glance, Harvey was instantly mesmerized by the beautiful artistry of Native Americans. He was especially drawn to a large painting, maybe six feet high by ten or twelve feet wide, of perhaps a sacred Indian council meeting. Its warm, bright colors made this scene come alive. Our silent awe and reverie was interrupted when the museum announced its closing time and asked visitors to leave.

Surprisingly, one of the museum guides encouraged us to return the following day with our ticket stubs which were good for 24 hours. This meant that we didn’t have to pay any additional entrance fees the next day. There was no question in our minds about whether we’d be back or not. What we had seen in just one hour’s time whetted our appetites for more new learning discoveries.

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Chapter 85
Buffalo Bill State Park

After we left the Buffalo Bill Museum Complex in Cody, Wyoming, we searched the campground directory for the closest campground we could find. We located one within a half-hour’s drive from the museum. Based on the complex directions in the directory, we wound our way through beautiful twisting gorge overpasses and tight mountain passes until we reached the Buffalo Bill State Park. By this time, the declining sun was casting its last soft glow on the waters of a peaceful lake called the Buffalo Bill Reservoir which was located just above the Buffalo Bill Dam on the Shoshone River. It was exciting to be here because, once again, it seemed that we were following the same trail which the famous Lewis & Clark expedition took on their quest to find the Northwest Passage.

We quickly settled into a beautiful camping spot facing the lake and watched the last traces of sunset glow ebb away, leaving behind only the twilight, then a deepening darkness. I could not make out any of the park’s geographical features except for the one big dark spot which I knew was the lake. And I knew that the few dark shadows scattered here and there around me were the green pine trees which I had seen earlier. I’ve always loved evergreens and felt comforted by their presence. What my vision could not see, my imagination willingly filled in the blanks for me.

The following morning, Wednesday, August 30, I awoke to a stunning view of the entire Buffalo Bill State Park. Mist drifted in off the mystical lake. The birds in the pine trees came alive and lifted their singing voices. The lakeview with mountains surrounding us on all sides was an open-sky sanctuary. How beautiful this place was! While I could still appreciate and admire nature’s beauty, I usually misjudged how close or how far things were from me. Thinking the pristine lake to be just a stone’s throw away from our campsite, I was shocked to see how far the shoreline was when I watched Dano and his furry polar bear pal, Buddy Bear, clamber down the steep embankment, make their way to the water’s edge and become smaller and smaller until I could barely see them. This made me realize with a pang how deceptive my lack of depth perception was. Broad daylight was no guarantee that my vision would function normally. I chose not to let this get me down but to simply appreciate what whatever vision I had left. The scenery here was heavenly. It was easy to look at the lake and think, “Peace, be still.” I made myself a mental note to come back here again someday, God willing.

Wanting to capture our images here, we took a few pictures with our camera–one of Buddy Bear crawling on top of Dano’s head with the lake to their backs, another one of me standing next to Dano who sat on top of our closed camper, and another one of Buddy Bear crawling up onto my shoulder just as Harvey snapped my picture! What a mischievous but fun-loving creature Buddy Bear was!

Chapter 86
Buffalo Bill Dam

We left the serene campground at Buffalo Bill State Park and headed back toward Cody, Wyoming. But before we reached Cody, we stopped off to see the Buffalo Bill Dam. There was a visitor center with a gift shop and various displays that turned out to be not so accessible for me. I remember lapsing into a foul mood when I realized that I could no longer read the signs or the descriptions for each display. I needed light–lots of it–to be able to make out the words. To add insult to injury, I had to endure “talking exhibits” which made absolutely no sense to me, none whatsoever! Was I doomed to never read or learn again?

Harvey didn’t like my bad attitude when I started pouting, “I’m so bored! I can’t even read these exhibits anymore!”

What I didn’t tell him was how shocked and utterly disappointed I was about not being able to glean information from the exhibits on my own anymore.

There was, however, one redeeming factor when I walked toward the thick floor-to-ceiling windows and looked down. What I saw blew me away. I saw far, far below me the tiny sliver of Shoshone River winding its way through a steep narrow gorge and, to my right, the narrowest sliver of a deep dam. Here, there was no need for words. This was a million pictures rolled into one suspended heartbeat. I had never in my life experienced the thrill of being so close to the edge of danger, stopped only by the plated window. How mesmerizing this awesome view was! And how scared and fascinated I was at the same time!

After Harvey viewed some of the exhibits himself, he pulled me away from the windows and tried his valiant best to explain some of the exhibits to me. Basically, it centered around the dam-building project and the benefits that the dam provides to surrounding communities. In a basin not too far from Cody, the fossil of an Allosaurus was uncovered, with more remains yet to be found. I appreciated Harvey’s efforts to share exhibit information with me and felt much better about being included.

As we prepared to leave the visitor center, Harvey bought a cassette tape, thinking it’d be fun to listen to some outlaw ballads in the van. After listening to a few songs, Harvey mentioned how bad some of the lyrics were. They were all about the lives of wicked outlaws, bank robbers, murdering thieves, hard liquor, chasing bad women, rotting in jail cells and swinging from the gallows. It was to say the least, an ugly and inauspicious picture of what life was like in the big, bad, wild, wild West.

[To be continued next week.]

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Melanie Bond is a deaf-blind writer based in Bay City, Michigan.

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

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CS 28: Contents

Posted by – 6 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 28
1-5 March 2010

CONTENTS

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Monday

CHASING VISTAS 26
Melanie Bond
[Memoir]

CHAKRA HANDBOOK
Kendra Harness
[Excerpt]

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Tuesday

SECOND TO NONE
Mary J. Thornley
[Dispatch]

ORPHANS
Raymond Luczak
[Poem]

MORE THAN PEANUTS
Matt Daigle
[Cartoon]

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Wednesday

DG
Douglass Bullard
[Story]

OCCUPATIONAL HAZARD
Adrean Clark
[Cartoon]

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Thursday

STOFFEL’S GUIDE TO TRAVELING IN EUROPE
Scott Stoffel
[Humor]

25 CENTS: PART SIX
Aaron Weir Kelstone
[Play]

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Friday

FEEDBACK FRIDAY
[Letters to the Editors]

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

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CS 28: Feedback Friday

Posted by – 6 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 28
5 March 2010

FEEDBACK FRIDAY

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Re: “Second to None” by Mary Thornley

I would like explain my intent and apologize to those who may have been offended.

We are a relatively new firm, operating in a competitive environment. We have chosen to compete in a segment of the field called academic tutoring. The reason we have chosen this area is because this is the area we know about. There all sorts of areas that we do not offer tutoring, simply because they are not what we know about. In order for us to offer services in other areas, there is significant investment in time and money that must be made to understand the market. It certainly would be easy for us to offer tutoring services in a host of areas that we are not expert in. We get requests outside of our narrow domain, and we turn them down.

While we have not researched tutoring for those in the deaf community, my first thought would be that it is a specialized skill. Not something we could make placements for easily and know for sure that we were doing it right or that the tutors we would necessarily attract and attempt to place were good enough. In order to do it right, we would have to do research in that area – where do we advertise to attract them; understand what constitutes genuine expertise in the area; marketing efforts would have to be created to attract clients; Inside staff would have to become aware of the subtleties of that kind of tutoring for the sales and customer service efforts in support of it. I am sure there is more that would need to be done. In order to do it well, and cost effectively these things have to happen first. These conditions would hold for anything new that we do.

I would like to apologize to those who might be offended by my attitude on the day of my email exchange with Mary. I was obviously in an impatient mood, and I should taken more care with the situation.

Sincerely,
Douglas Shaw
American Tutoring.com

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Re: “http://www.clercscar.com/?p=629″ by Mary Thornley

This is astounding. Not only are they seem to be a small organization, they are small-minded. And possibly afraid of being hit by ADA and IDEA legislation and as a result being forced to restructure in order to include deaf students.

This could be an incentive to teachers of the deaf to form their own tutoring service and become available to the thousands of d/Deaf students who are being dropped through the cracks.

Dianrez

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Re: “Second to None” by Mary Thornley

“While each situation is certainly unique, you can count on our tutors to take a multi-purpose approach to all of their assignments. If there is an acute, current need, the tutor will address those needs immediately”

I guess they don’t classify deafness as an acute, current need.

And they apparently classify deafness as a field of study rather than what it really is.

neildupaul

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Re: “Second to None” by Mary Thornley

Wow….that is unbelievable! I’m stunned how could they treat Deaf like low functioning people who couldn’t learn anything except the leisure things. I’m truly disgusted how they treat you like second class citizen.

InsaneMisha

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Re: “Orphans” by Raymond Luczak

Raymond’s poem is very good. The images are matchless. Captures wonderfully the sense of frustration and anger.

Mary Thornley

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Re: “Great Expectations” by John Lee Clark

John, as usual your analysis of the “great expectations” phenomenon within our community is spot-on. I grew up mainstreamed and know firsthand that social vacuum you describe. I’m not sure what kept me from falling into that great expectations trap, but I have grown so tired of the negative comments about “deaf tend” coming from others with a mainstreamed background.

This is why I do not believe in crab theory. I don’t think we are intentionally trying to pull each other down. I think we’re just a normal minority . . . which means that because of the oppression of the majority, some (NOT all) of us may be, yes, less-equipped to handle emotional or social pressures in a healthy and productive way.

This disparity of emotional maturity levels can make leadership positions in our community quite challenging, because we have to learn how to work with all those different levels. In addition to seeing leaders “leave”, I’ve also seen leaders become bitter and resentful. It’s vital that those in leadership positions understand the root causes of this disparity in emotional maturity levels and not turn it into a blanket condemnation against our community.

Thank you for explaining this so clearly.

Alicia Lane-Outlaw

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Re: “Great Expectations” by John Lee Clark

This seems to rely on sweeping generalizations of “native” and the rest. I often get dismissive comments about the Deaf community from natives when we are talking one to one-away from the other “water signers” as you say. Natives have also actively rejected or make comments such as taking one look at a person and go: “obvious mainstreamed” complete with the dismissing hand brush-off. Thin skin, or thick skin.. that makes an impression. I’ve seen many counter-examples of your claim.

It also rests on the NATIVES to help the reconciliation. Laying all the “blame” on non natives is being will fully blind and will not help anything.

Geta

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Re: “Letter to AGB” by Michele Ketcham

AGB didnt invent the phone to help his deaf wife. AGB sought to invent something that would help his wife and in doing so, he invented the phone. I hope this will resolve the confusion.

As for Mabel’s functioning, she reportedly lip-read all the family interaction. I read a book produced by the Bell family some time back and as i remember the Bell’s maintained Mabel was ‘fully included’. Such a charming phrase.

I dont remember if Mabel learned sign. But since Bell had a tremendous emotional and professional investment in oralism it’s hard to imagine that Mabel would have done any signing.

Mary Thornley

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CS 28.9: 25 Cents: Part Six

Posted by – 4 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 28.9
4 March 2010

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25 CENTS: PART SIX
Aaron Weir Kelstone
Words: 642
[Play]

Cast of Characters

OLD MAN: A Deaf manual alphabet card peddler who never finished residential school. His signing style is what is called “strong ASL” or “very Deaf.”

BRIAN: A Deaf man, graduate of a residential school and a college graduate. His signing skills are what is often described as “Gallaudet signing.”

KELLY: A Deaf woman who was mainstreamed. She discovered Deaf culture later in life and sometimes is more radical than a native Deaf person about deafness. Her signing is not as ASL and she mouths often as she signs.

HARRY: A Deaf man, graduate of residential school, a skilled tradesman, and confident about his identify and values as a Deaf person. Sees the world clearly along black and white boundaries.

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[Continued from last week.]

[HARRY has already left, and KELLY leaves shortly after. BRIAN watches KELLY leave and then sits on the bench with OLD MAN.]

OLD MAN: Well, you see now what I mean?

BRIAN: Yeah . . . I do.

OLD MAN: It’s not so easy as you thought, coming here, is it?

BRIAN: No, I thought it was just a simple thing, really. Just coming here to listen to an old man tell me some old stories. Who you are didn’t seem that big a deal to me. I mean, really, in the end who cares?

OLD MAN: For Deafies, they do. It is hard to accept.

BRIAN: Then why not do something about it? Why not you change too?

OLD MAN: Me? Change, now? I don’t think there’s time left for me.

BRIAN: I think there’s always time for anything if you really want it.

OLD MAN: Depends. Harry was right. Sometimes things are just the way they are. Nothing you can do about it.

BRIAN: It still doesn’t seem right to me. There has to be a better way. There just has to be.

OLD MAN: For you, I think so. For me, no, not the same.

BRIAN: You just going to accept that?

OLD MAN: For now, yes.

BRIAN: I see. I’m not sure how to accept that. It goes against what I believe. There’s always time to change, to make the world a better place.

OLD MAN: I only know what I see. We wait, see-see. Maybe you will be right.

BRIAN: I want to believe I am. Well . . .

OLD MAN: Time to go, eh?

BRIAN: Yeah, it is.

OLD MAN: You like the girl?

BRIAN: Huh, oh Kelly . . . I do.

OLD MAN: Maybe you start there. Life always starts with a connection.

BRIAN: Depends. I don’t think she was interested.

OLD MAN: Give it time. That’s the best I know.

BRIAN: Okay, like you say, we’ll see-see.

OLD MAN: Think you might be back this way some time soon?

BRIAN: I think so. I want to, but you know . . .

OLD MAN: Confusing? Yes, it can be. Don’t worry about it.

BRIAN: Don’t get me wrong.

OLD MAN: Like I said, don’t worry. If you want, you all can come back and we can try to figure it all out together. You know where to find me.

BRIAN: I do . . . Well, okay then. I will be around one of these days.

OLD MAN: Sure, you be careful going home.

BRIAN: Yeah, I will.

OLD MAN: Bye.

BRIAN: Bye, till later. [Departs.]

[OLD MAN is left alone on the park bench. In a bit he looks down and sees some of his A-B-C cards on the ground. He reaches down and picks up a few. He looks out across the park into the audience and slowly smiles. He gets up and begins to approach imaginary people again, showing them the A-B-C cards. Lights fade to a spot on OLD MAN. He turns to the audience, offers a card. Lights fade to black.]

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Aaron Weir Kelstone teaches in the Department of Cultural and Creative Studies at the National Technical Institute for the Deaf.

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

We are always open to submissions. Submit your writing, artwork, or video to editor@clercscar.com.

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Copyright 2010 by Clerc Scar. All rights reserved.

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CS 28.8: Stoffel’s Guide to Traveling in Europe

Posted by – 4 March 2010

CLERC SCAR 28.8
4 March 2010

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STOFFEL’S GUIDE TO TRAVELING IN EUROPE
Scott Stoffel
Words: 692
[Humor]

Are you ready to take a break from the doldrums of your boring life? Of course you are! And what better place is there to get away to than the Old World? But before you pack those bags and head for Europe, there are some unimportant things you should know about Europe and its various cultures that you won’t find in a typical travel guide. Here, we’ll focus on the crucial points all the other guides deemed irrelevant.

1. The Bidet Test: Whenever you enter a public restroom in Europe, you may see a bidet. It’s the thing that looks a cross between a sink and a toilet bowl. You may also notice that all the locals in the restroom are staring at you. That’s because they can tell you’re an American tourist and want to know if they should take you seriously or not. To earn their respect, you must pass the Bidet Test. Passing this test is quite simple, really. All you have to do is demonstrate that you know what the bidet is used for.

So what the heck do you do with the bloody thing? Well, for cod’s sake, don’t whiz in it! Look around–you’ll see toilets; whiz in them. What you won’t see is toilet paper, so be sure to carry a roll with you at all times. About the bidet–you’ve got to show the locals you’re a sophisticated, intelligent person who knows how to use a bidet. So get down on your knees and wash your face in it.

2. The Dress Code: To ensure you get the very best service from hotel workers, servers, and merchants, you need to dress the right way. These people are prejudiced, you know, and will judge pinheaded American tourists like you by their clothes. If you show up in Amsterdam wearing a pair of those dreadful pre-destroyed blue jeans, they’ll take you straight from the airport to the morgue. See, service people are after handsome gratuities, and if you arrive looking like you got mugged on the plane, they won’t waste their time with you.

For the friendliest results, I recommend you arrive in a tuxedo or an elegant evening gown–even if you’re planning to hike through the Alps. Cover yourself with authentic-looking gold jewelry. If you don’t have any, make some with Crackerjacks. Gentlemen should always have a impressive bulge in their pants–where the back pocket is, you dirty daydreamer! Let them think your wallet is overstuffed with cash for handing out generous tips, when it’s really just your carry-around toilet paper. Ladies should show off their huge bags–oh, never mind!

3. Universal Communication: If you’re deaf like me and have a hard time communicating with the general public, bear in mind that hearing tourists will have the same problem when visiting a country where English is not the native language. So you can have fun laughing at them. But when need arises, you’ll do well to remember these signs that are understood almost anywhere in Europe:

How to ask where you can find a restroom–Get down on your knees and pantomime washing your face in a bidet.

How to ask for anything else–Hold out a wad of Euros.

4. Taboo Questions: When visiting a place in Europe, be aware that there are some questions you should never ask the locals. Either you’d offend them, or they’d think you’re an idiot. Here are some big no-nos to remember:

When visiting Paris, never ask, “Would you happen to have any Grey Poupon?”

When visiting the city of Luxembourg, never ask, “What country is Luxembourg in?”

When visiting the Vatican, never ask, “What’s going down?”

When visiting London, never ask, “Do you speak English?”

When visiting Greece, never ask, “How do I get to the River Styx?”

When visiting Pisa, never ask, “Are they ever going to fix that thing?”

When visiting Denmark, never ask, “Where do you keep that ’something rotten’?”

And when visiting Finland, absolutely NEVER pound on a restroom door and yell, “Are you Finnish yet?”

But no matter where you go, you can always ask if they read Stoffel’s Guide!

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If there is something you would like to have a Stoffel’s Guide for, send your ill-advised request to:

scottmstoffel@yahoo.com

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Scott Stoffel is a deaf and illegally blind systems engineer, freelance writer, and a leading authority on face-washing.

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We welcome letters to the editor in response to this piece. Send to editor@clercscar.com. We reserve the right to edit letters for space and clarity or not to publish a letter.

We are always open to submissions. Submit your writing, artwork, or video to editor@clercscar.com.

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Copyright 2010 by Clerc Scar. All rights reserved.

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