Clerc Scar 10.8
3 September 2009
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Deaf American Poetry showcases for the first time the best works of Deaf poets throughout the nation's history--John R. Burnet, Laura C. Redden, George M. Teegarden, Agatha Tiegel Hanson, Loy E. Golladay, Robert F. Panara, Mervin D. Garretson, Clayton Valli, Willy Conley, Raymond Luczak, Christopher Jon Heuer, Pamela Wright-Meinhardt, and many others.
Own your copy today at http://www.clercscar.com/books/dap.html!
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STOFFEL'S GUIDE TO ANSWERING HER QUESTIONS
Scott Stoffel
Words: 526
[Humor]
There is a right way and a wrong way for a man to answer any question SHE might ask. I have spent enormous amounts of time researching this issue and believe I have compiled a complete catalog of WRONG answers. Subtracting these WRONG answers from the remaining possibilities, I have thus determined what the RIGHT answers are. Gentlemen, study this guide carefully! It could save you a few broken bones.
Her Q: Do I look old?
His Wrong A: Compared to who?
His Right A: Not at all, hot stuff!
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Her Q: Do you notice anything different?
His Wrong A: Yes! You're not serving leftovers tonight!
His Right A: Yes! I think it looks great!
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Her Q: Do you have $10 I can borrow for stamps?
His Wrong A: Sure! Here's $10.
His Right A: Sure! Here's $1,000, and you can keep the change.
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Her Q: Does this make me look fat?
His Wrong A: Only if you turn sideways.
His Right A: No! It looks great!
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Her Q: What were you dreaming about last night?
His Wrong A: J-Lo.
His right A: You.
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Her Q: Tell me the truth--do you like the turnip casserole?
His Wrong A: I really like it! In fact, I hope we can have it again next year!
His Right A: I swear by the river Styx, it's delicious!
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Her Q: Do you still think I'm attractive?
His Wrong A: You bet your huge butt I do!
His Right A: I sure do! And I was just thinking--how about the two of us going on a romantic tropical island cruise?
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Her Q: Where are you taking me tonight?
His Wrong A: A sports bar--we can watch the game while we eat!
His Right A: It's the classiest restaurant in town! I had to make the reservations eight weeks ago!
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Her Q: Can I ask you something?
His Wrong A: When the commercials are on.
His Right A: Certainly!
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Her Q: What would you do if I suddenly wasn't here anymore?
His Wrong A: Turn the TV volume up.
His Right A: I would drown in my tears!
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Her Q: Do you mind if we have leftovers again?
His Wrong A: Leftovers? That's not leftovers--that's peat moss!
His Right A: Of course not! I LOVE that turnip casserole!
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Her Q: Are you paying attention to anything I'm saying?
His Wrong A: Of course, I am! You said it's third down on the twenty-eight yard line.
His Right A: Of course, I am! Look, I'll turn off the TV, so we can talk.
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Her Q: Do you think my diet is working?
His Wrong A: You look great, compared to that sagging mass of flab you used to be!
His Right A: You look positively GORGEOUS!
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Her Q: Will you ever change?
His Wrong A: Sure! As soon as you do the laundry.
His Right A: I admit that I definitely need to change.
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Her Q: Why can't you ever give me an intelligent answer?
His ONLY A: Because I haven't read this guide yet!
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Scott Stoffel is a deaf and legally blind safety engineer retired from the Federal Aviation Administration. (He thought this guide was COMPLETE--until he retired and found out that his wife has a lot more questions for him all day long every single day.)
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