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STOFFEL'S GUIDE TO POETRY PUBLISHING SCAMS
Scott Stoffel
Words: 422
[Humor]

Do you write poetry and dream of acclaim? Poetry is a wonderful form of self-expression and creative art. Unfortunately, there are some unscrupulous businesses that prey upon a poet's fantasies of fame and fortune. How can one tell the difference between an honest poetry publisher and a scam? Well, that's a matter of reading between the lines. Scammers tend to bombard potential suckers with gaudy "awards" that turn out to be items for sale to anyone willing to fork over the lettuce. Here's an example:

Dear A. Desperatepoet:

Poetry Con is pleased to announce that your fantastic poem "Bert Farted" has been accepted by our panel of world-renowned poetry con artists and could appear in our upcoming anthology "The Price of Glory." PLUS, your poem could be entered into the final round of our competition (the one with the price tag), which will take place on December 32nd at our annual poetry conference in the spectacular underwater city of Atlantis. (Note: You must be present in order to qualify for this award. We will not beam it to you.)

Namor of Marvel Comics fame will be present to open the soaked envelope containing the name of the grand prize winner. Imagine the scene . . .

"This year's GRAND PRIZE WINNER is . . . A. Desperatepoet!"

The audience erupts in bubbly applause as you swim to the stage and bask in the glory. Namor shakes your hand and presents you with your 500-pound solid gold trophy. Then all become quiet as you recite the mystic verses of "Bert Farted."

It could happen! So order your tickets ($999.99 per person) to the annual conference today! The cost of a ticket does not include room, airfare, or a wetsuit.

But even if your poem is not selected for the grand prize, we would love to include "Bert Farted" in "The Price of Glory." Unfortunately, we accept so many poems each year that we cannot guarantee yours will appear in the anthology unless you order at least 36 copies in advance.

And there's much, much more! You can receive a "Published Poet" button ($24.99), a six millimeter high silver award cup ($499.99), and a bronzed plaque proclaiming "Bert Farted" to the world as an AWARD-WINNING poetic achievement ($2,499.99). That's right?you can claim all of these fabulous awards, so apply for that second mortgage TODAY and don't miss out!

Lastly, I just want to personally congratulate you, A. Desperatepoet, for the remarkable artistic accomplishment of "Bert Farted."

Your Biggest Fan,

Gimme DaMoney Poetry Con

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Scott Stoffel is a deaf and legally blind safety engineer recently retired from the Federal Aviation Administration. (Editor's Note: I've always wondered why Scott stopped writing poetry, but now I know.)

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