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STOFFEL'S GUIDE TO DIVORCE
Scott Stoffel
Words: 393
[Humor]

I find it odd that we have elaborate ceremonies for weddings but none for divorces. Divorce court battles aren't the same as wedding celebrations. I mean, there's no cake, champagne, or presents, and you can't decorate the ex-groom's car, because the ex-bride usually drives it away. Shouldn't a time of liberation be an occasion to get down and boogie? I think the courtroom would be better suited for weddings, really, but everyone would probably just plead insanity.

At any rate, here's how the divorce ceremony should go:

The minister, priest, rabbi, imam, monk, or witchdoctor (if you're an atheist, hire a game show host) should stand at the altar and give the audience his most incinerating scowl.

The groom soon to be ex'd will come down the aisle first, accompanied by his best ma'am. If he never cheated on his wife, he can hire a best ma'am.

Next, the bride will come storming down the aisle, while the choir sings "Here comes the bride, oh how she tried."

Now the minister, priest, rabbi, imam, monk, witchdoctor, or game show host will recite the following:

Deeply despised, we are gathered here today to witness this lousy lout of a man and this nagging sourpuss of a woman out of holy matrimony. If anyone here should object to this breaking apart, let him speak not . . . or forever rest in peace.

Do you, Man, reject this woman as your lawfully wedded wife, to loathe, abhor, and chastise for as long as you both shall live?

And do you, Woman, reject this man as your lawfully wedded husband, to financially devastate for as long as you like?

Will the bride give back the ring, or has she already pawned it?

The property of the divorcing couple will be divided thusly:

The house, car, furniture, investments, and children will be liquidated, and the money will be divided into two equal parts. The ex-bride shall claim both parts. The ex-groom will retain his lawn-mower in case he ever decides to use it. The family dog will be put in a foster home until the 20-year legal battle for custody is won, at which time his remains will be turned over to the appropriate party.

And now, by the power invested in me by Chuck Woolery, I pronounce you EX-HUSBAND and EX-WIFE.

You may diss the ex-bride.

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Scott Stoffel is a deaf and legally blind safety engineer recently retired from the Federal Aviation Administration. (Because he wants to keep his private laboratory to maintain his status as Mad Engineer, he is nice, sweet, and obedient to his wife.)

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