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Clerc Scar 2.89 July 2009
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All done by a deaf artist/cartoonist--Matt Daigle
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I had the honor of serving as one of two judges in a Buffalo wings cooking contest. While the rules were pretty simple, I made a solemn vow never to do this again. I was Judge #2. Judge #1 was some guy with bionic mouth parts. The top entries were: Ming's Wings Judge #1: An excellent balance of spices. Judge #2: The Merciless is back! Run for your lives! Where's Flash Gordon when I need him? Helen's Lava Wings Judge #1: Good flavor but a bit heavy on the Tabasco. Judge #2: Water! I need water! Not a glass--bring me a fire truck! Wings of the Phoenix Judge #1: Ground jalapeno adds just the right punch to this fine sauce. Judge #2: Forget the water bottles?--just hook me up to the hydrant and open the Newton valve! There's an inferno in my mouth! Chuck's F-16 Wings Judge #1: The flavor is good, but the spices are just a tad militant. Judge #2: NASA reports, "We have a launch!" With all the rocket fuel in my mouth, I should reach orbit in a matter of seconds . . . Indiana Wings Judge #1: An interesting blend of spices. This recipe has real kick. Judge #2: I must be in Raiders of the Lost Ark, because my face just melted . . . Death Valley Hot Wings Judge #1: An ambitious recipe but perhaps a little too snappy. Judge #2: What do you mean there's no water left in the truck? My tongue is withering in the flames! Can you at least siphon some gas? Ahhhh, I never thought gasoline could be so cool and soothing. Rising Sun Wings Judge #1: A touch of Japanese wasabi adds pop to these tasty wings. Judge #2: New feature film: Godzilla vs. Scott, Battle of the Atomic Breath-Blasters. Based on the true story. Kung Fu Wings Judge #1: Another innovative recipe. The Chinese mustard gives these wings a fighting start. Judge #2: Aptly named. I feel like I've been beaten to death . . . twice. Is there any gas left? Miami Hot Wings Judge #1: A touch of citrus gives these wings a pleasant tang. But the Tabasco is a little heavy. Judge #2: I should be Judge #1, because I just did that for a full five minutes. The Potomac River will henceforth be called the Yellow River. Now, where can I find more water? Apocalypse Wings Judge #1: Oh, my! This is indeed a stout sauce! Judge #2: Pour the rest of the gas in my mouth! Throw in a lighted match! Just make the pain stop! End Game Wings Judge #1: A luscious sauce but just a bit too sharp . . . Um, it appears Judge #2 is in need of medical assistance. I have no idea why he drank that canister of liquid nitrogen.
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