CS 19.7: Stoffel’s Guide to He-isms vs. She-isms
CLERC SCAR 19.7
31 December 2009
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STOFFEL’S GUIDE TO HE-ISMS VS. SHE-ISMS
Scott Stoffel
Words: 333
[Humor]
HOLIDAY EDITION
Christmas is the time of year when he showers her with gifts to express his deep affection and then pretends he’s ecstatic about getting another can of Old Spice.
He-ism: But, honey, I had to kiss her; she was standing under the mistletoe!
She-ism: You were the one holding it over her head!
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He-ism: You’ve walked under that mistletoe ten times now! How many times do you want me to kiss you?
She-ism: Until a better-looking guy gets in line.
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He-ism: Why can’t I have one little drink to welcome the New Year?
She-ism: Because you’ve already had twelve to wish the old one farewell!
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He-ism: What would you like for Christmas this year?
She-ism: Oh, nothing much . . . whatever you can afford after liquidating.
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He-ism: Do you like the dress I bought you?
She-ism: Oh, darling, it must have cost you a fortune! I can’t wait to exchange it for something else!
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He-ism: So, what shall we have for Christmas dinner?
She-ism: Depends on where you’re taking me.
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He-ism: I’m resolving to lose 20 pounds this year.
She-ism: I’m resolving to finish the chocolate cherries.
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He-ism: How would you like a face-lift for your Christmas present?
She-ism: That would be nice! And while you’re getting it done, ask them to do some liposuction on your bumpers.
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He-ism: Who’s writing our Christmas letter this year?
She-ism: You are; I’m busy writing my gift list for Santa.
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He-ism: What is the most romantic place I could take you for Christmas?
She-ism: Godiva.
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He-ism: You don’t need to buy me a present.
She-ism: Don’t be silly! You’re almost out of Old Spice.
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He-ism: Show me a man who knows just what to buy his wife,
She-ism: And I’ll show you a man who keeps the receipts.
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He-ism: Show me a woman who knows just what to buy her husband,
She-ism: Like I said, you’re almost out of Old Spice.
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Scott Stoffel is a deaf and legally blind safety engineer who retired from the Federal Aviation Administrations after co-workers complained about his excessive use of Old Spice.
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